Brams Universe
by Over obsessive nerd
Summary: This story is a spin off of the book simon vs the homosapien agenda. It is the book from Bram's point of view. I am still working on it and am going chapter by chapter. I am going to re write the entire book from his perspective. Please any feedback would be a huge help. Thank you so much.
1. Chapter 1

I stare unblinkingly at the computer screen. Am I really about to do this? Am I really about to announce my secret to the entire world? I know that no one will be able to know it's me, but I feel nauseated even thinking about it. I step back take in a deep breath and hit publish. I feel so free and terrified at the same time. This will be the first time I have ever told anyone, well in this case the entire world, that I am gay. Suddenly, I realize that this was a horrible idea and am starting to completely regret it. I slam my laptop shut and lunge face first onto my bed. I know I'm making this a way bigger deal than it is but I just don't know how else to act. I lay their staring out at my window thinking of all the people out there, off all the people that have no idea I carry such a huge ass secret. I know that I could tell my mom or dad I just don't know how to even begin that conversation. I have no idea how they will react. I figure that neither of them will disown me or anything, I am just terrified it will completely change the way they see me. I also know that I could tell my best friend, Garrett, about it. I know that he would still be my best friend no matter what, I just don't know. At least I did make one huge step towards coming out today. I look at my clock and realize that I have been sitting here thinking for so long, that I am going to be late for school. I grab my bag and run out the door. I drive as fast as I can, thankfully without getting pulled over. I luckily make it to English just as the bell rings.

I head straight for my seat with my head down. I can feel the drips of sweat falling down my temple, I can hear the beating of my heart going a million miles a second. I can feel the rush of panic I always have entering into this classroom. I have always loved English and done well in it, until now. This year Simon is in my class. I find it extremely hard to not stare into his eyes thought the entire class. Even though I still always do well I find it harder to focus on what Mr. Muschietti is talking about. I love the way Simon speaks, his voice has the perfect pitch and rhythm to it. He has the most beautiful grey eyes, I could easily stare at them for hours on end. Suddenly the entire class is staring at me. "Mr. Greenfield can you please tell us some of Shakespeare's most influential work" I stammer out an answer trying not to blush too much. I always seem to get so shy and flustered around Simon. I finally hear the bell ringing letting me go to my next class. Lucky, I have a free period, I end up leaving and sitting in my car. I hook up my iPod to my stereo crank it up and sit there listening. Then it occurs to me to check the tumbler to see if anyone has responded to my post. I am scrolling through all of the posts telling me how brave I am and past the ones telling me I'm a fucking fag. Then suddenly I run past one that cates my eye. All it says is "THIS" and then has an email address under it. I start freaking out. I know that this means someone related to my post on a deep level. I cannot believe this, it starts making me feel nauseated again. I feel as if I'm about to throw up. Suddenly I feel myself typing something back. I am emailing him. Again, for the second time in one week even one day, I feel as if I am falling into an abyss, losing myself to a stronger, more confident person.

 **Dear anonymous person on the internet, I don't really know where to begin. To be honest I'm not really sure this is a real email address, and I'm also not sure you're a real person. But in case you are real, hello! I'm the original poster from creeksecrets thread about the vast houses and tiny windows and shore worth swimming to. I'm rereading what I wrote there and I can't stop cringing, so I'll start by apologizing for that. I'm not usually such an abuser of similes and metaphors. Anyway, I'm not sure how to interoperate your comment, but it sounds like you identify with part of what I wrote. Maybe? Even if not, I'm glad you commented. It made me feel less like I was shouting into the void, so thanks for that. And since you left your email address, I assume you're ok with me writing back. Though, I can't believe I'm actually writing to you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about your comment. I guess I'm thinking it could be nice to talk to someone who can relate to how I'm feeling. No pressure, of course, but feel free to write back if you want to. I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Blue.**

Carefully I re-read what I wrote. Nothing that would make this person be able to figure out who I am, nothing that would imply I want to know anything about them. I feel myself hitting the send button. I pray that I am doing the right thing. At the same time, I know this is another huge step into coming out. I realize I've been staring at my phone for over fifty minutes, and rush back to the building to not be late for class. I finally hear the last bell ring, freeing me from the everyday exhaustion that school supplies me with. I get to go to soccer practice, something, I actually enjoy. I reach the field and it instantly sets my entire body at ease. The feeling of the wind hitting me, the smell of the freshly mowed grass has always been one of my favorite things. I reach the rest of the team already practicing and I jump in. By the end of our practice I feel completely exhausted and at the same time better than I have felt in days. Soccer has always had that effect on me. When in my car, I see that I have a notification from my Blue email. I realize it is the same guy. Every ounce of calm I had gotten from soccer flew out the window, my heartbeat kicked up leaving me in a perpetual state of panic. Shaking, I slowly clicked open the email, I then started to blush and feel as if my entire world is being lit up by fireworks. I am not the only one. Someone else out there, at my school, in my grade is just like me. Keeping this enormous secret inside just like me.

 **Hi, Blue!**

 **Wow, I'm actually kind of flipping out right now, because I seriously didn't think hear from you. I'm so glad I checked this email account! Wow. Okay. First of all, thanks for your email and also for your Tumblr post. I really liked it, Blue, and it wasn't cringe at all, I promise. So, do you go here (here meaning CHS)? I do, I'm a junior. And I'm a guy (are you a guy?) Anyway, I could relate a lot to your post. Like, pretty much all of it, but especially to the part about being gay. I'm not out yet, either. I guess a part of me wants to be, but a part of me's like…. No. It's hard to explain. I don't know. Maybe you get it. So, yeah, it's really nice to meet you! This is kind of cool, right? Even writing this email makes me feel eleven times less alone.**

 **\- Jacques (not my real name, bwahahaha-two can play at this game)**

I decided to take my time with this one and email back later. I slowly slide my phone back into my pocket and drive away.


	2. Chapter 2

I hate chemistry! I mean I have always had a general hatred towards all science subjects, but chemistry is the apostolate worst. I always find myself completely zoning out when Mr. Kubrick talks. His voice hits that perfect pitch that makes everyone start to fall asleep. Although the worst thing about him is his homework. He always gives us something pointless to do that never helps us with what we're learning. So, it clearly was not my fault when I blew off my chemistry homework to work on emailing Jacques back.

J **acques,**

 **Eleven times less alone? That's oddly specific. But I know what you mean. Anyway, wow. Hi. You wrote back. I'm really glad you liked my post. Now I'm actually happy I put it out there. I have to admit, it's strange writing a somewhat personal email when you when we don't know each other's identities. Though, in a way, I guess that makes it easier. I am a guy, and I'm also a junior at Crekwood. I think you're the first other gay guy I've met here. It's pretty surreal to be talking to you (in a good way, though). I wonder if we know each other in real life. I think I understand what you mean. I feel like I'm consensually going back and forth on wanting to come out. I have these moments where I'm almost bursting to tell people – of course, that was when I posted the thing on the Tumblr. But I always feel so weird about it a few hours later, and sometimes I'm instantly relieved no one knows yet. What about you?**

 **-Blue**

Even though I have no idea who I am talking to and I know next to nothing about them, I feel oddly entranced by Jacques. When I read his emails, I can almost hear him talking to me, even though I don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know that knowing him could lead to a colossal mess, but I can't help but think about him all the time.

I have known Garret since I was six. We first met at a summer camp and somehow, we have managed to stay friends since then. I know when he is depressed, anxious, and in love, and of course, he knows the same things about me. Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when Garret started asking me questions about the "girls" I like. I guess I have been acting happier these past few days after talking to Jacques. It just feels so amazing to talk about everything with someone else. Yet, I am still surprised on Friday when he comes up to me asking if I'm in a relationship. I have no idea what to say to that. Yes, I have been talking to Jacques for a while now now. Although I have no idea if what we have is a relationship or not. "No, of course, I'm not in a relationship Garret. I would tell you if I was." He looks at me for a second before responding "Good because I wouldn't want to accidentally go for her too". "Not a problem," I say under my breath. I feel my phone buzz against my leg. I instantly reach to grab it to see if its Jacques. No, it's my dad calling. I instantly press decline.

My parents started fighting when I was seven years old. I used to hide in the back of my closet when it got particularly bad. They always used to make each other completely miserable. I can barely remember a time when they weren't fighting. I found out they were getting a divorce when I was teen. I knew what this meant. My friends had divorced parents. It would mean I would have to see one of my parents a lot less. It also meant I had to do two of everything. Sounds fun, right? Two birthdays, two Thanksgivings and Christmases. We'll let me tell you it sucks. Having your parents not be able to stay in the same room together and always have to hear them bitch about each other completely sucks. Accept having the two birthday cakes was nice. Now my dad lives in Savannah with his new wife, Gabby. Ever since my dad got married, I rarely get to see him. Even though it is still awkward to spend time with him, he's my dad and its weird to have to be apart from him all the time. Now he always expects me to drive up there to visit him, which is why I have been avoiding his calls.

Suddenly I feel another buzz. Probably just my dad leaving a message I think to myself, but I can't help but look. My head goes into overdrive when I see it is Jacques. I quickly log into my email to see what he said.

 **I mean, let's be real, eleven is the best number, which is perfect because we're both in eleventh grade. WOW. And I can't believe we're both juniors. I bet we do know each other, which is weird to think about. What if we're actually enemies in real life? Do you have enemies? I don't think I do, not really. Though I guess various random people low-key annoy me. It's not even their fault. Some people just have really punchable faces. (FYI, I'm actually a really nonviolent person. Or more like I'm a violent person who doesn't want to hurt anyone, so I have to resort to fantasying about punching people. It's very complicated. To be honest, usually, I just eat my feelings.) It's funny, for me, it's actually not so much that I go back and forth about wanting to come out. It's like I simultaneously do and don't want to be out. Which I pretty freaking exhausting, honestly. Like I'm in this constant state of JUST SAY It and NO NEVER. Do you think that ever ends? I don't know, maybe I'm just a really indecisive person. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do after school and everything?**

 **-Jacques**

I have no idea how he does it. Every email he sends makes me smile. I'm standing in the parking lot of school right now holding up my phone grinning like an idiot. That is when I realized Garret is still standing there, continuing to babble. Which makes me feel like a shitty friend for not listening to a thing he had said. I reluctantly turn off my phone and go out for some food with him instead.


	3. Chapter 3

Horror movies are amazing. That is a definite fact. One of my earliest memories is walking in on my parents watching Psycho. I've always loved how unpredictable they are. Yes, there are the movies where you know everything that will happen, but then again you are always surprised. I love the adrenalin pumping through my vein's. The feeling of this mortal terror mixed with complete excitement. For me, nothing else compares to the rush horror movies give you, at least not until Jacques. Every time I see his name pop up on my screen I feel my heart beat instantly pick up. My hands get sweaty instantaneously and I feel as if I have won some huge prize. I get that terror existed feeling that only horror movies give you. I've only been talking to Jacques for a little less than two months, yet, I am completely irretrievably in love with him.

 **Well, Blue, I don't want to assume anything here, but I'm kind of getting the vibe you were one of those kids who sniff school supplies. No judgment, though. School supplies are so crisp and hopeful, it's true. It's such a shame we have to ruin them with school. Okay, I'm calling it. Best school supply: the compass. Remember those? The circles I drew with that thing was as round as hell.**

 **Not a beagle! But I guess I shouldn't tell you what kind of dog he actually is, with the anonymity thing and everything. Not that I really expect people to know my dog, but you never know. I'll just say he's bigger than a Chihuahua and smaller than a Great Dane. That should narrow it down, right? I'll definitely give him a hug from you, though he is solidly passed out and snoring. On my bed, too. What a jerk. I'm gonna go spoon with him now.**

 **-Jacques**

I can just imagine him lying on his bed hugging a dog. It's a nice picture. Every email I get from him just makes me fall harder for him. I'm so deliriously happy I have no idea what to do with myself, so, like the idiot I am, I just stand there in the middle of my room smiling and hugging my computer. I want to know who he is! I want to lay on the bed next to him, talking for hours, and hugging his dog. At school, I can think about is Jacques. I zone out of all of my classes and just imagine meeting him for the first time. Whenever I imagine us together I always see him as Simon. I guess because I've had a small crush on him since I moved here. All I want to do is kiss him. I can't think about anything else. I keep coming up with these little scenarios in my head where I tell Jacques who I am and then he says who is, then we both just run out of our classes to each other and have the most amazing kids. I know I can tell him who I am. I am terrified he will reject me. That thought wills me with this moral dread. I don't think I would be able to take it if that happened. Then I know we won't have some perfect storybook ending.

Suddenly Garret is right there in front of my face. "Hey Greenfeld, tonight my house hours of video games." I start thinking of an excuse to get out of it, but playing video games in Garret's basement drinking Dr. Pepper is something I know how to do, and I know I haven't been a great friend to garret since Jacques. "Sure, sounds great," I respond. I love Garret's basement. He has the most amazing game chairs. They are brown leather and spin all around. Of course, they are pointed at his seventy-two-inch flat screen TV. He even has a full game area with arcade games and pinball. Then there is this little kitchen with a popcorn maker and a fridge. I would give anything for a house like this, instead of mine. My house is one of her smallest ones in Shady Creek, my mom can't afford a better one. But hanging out in Garret's basement is close enough. We spend the next few hours playing pointless video games. I have very little interest in video games, but it requires little to no thought and is a welcome distraction. I end up just spending the night on his couch. I quickly email Jacques back before I fall asleep.

 **Jacques,**

 **Your dog sleeps in your bed, and I am so jealous. I think my vision for the perfect future is basically a king-sized bed with a husband and a dog. Anyway, I am not usually up this late (IM A NERD. SHH. I KNOW THIS), so this will be a quick email. I'm sorry! I just wanted to write back today. Also, I have another question for you. Most embarrassing moment. Go.**

 **-Blue**

I can see from here that garret is also still up. For a moment, I think about telling him everything, about how I am gay and in love with some guy over email. I want to tell him and I know he will be completely fine with it, I just have known him for years and telling him a secret of this magnitude is extremely hard. So, I just give up and decide to go to bed. At some point, I will tell him, and my parents. I have to come out some point. Maybe I will just wait till college. I am dreaming of going to Columbia, and I being openly gay in New York and Georgia is much different. But, I know I should come out sooner, I'll find a time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Blue,**

 **I mean, I have approximately fifty gazillion most embarrassing moments, but this one is the literal worst. And I'm going to take you at your word that you're up for hearing this. Just remember: I warned you. Dun dun dunnnnnnn. So, I think I was six years old, and we were at the pool. It was a super-hot day, and it was really crowded. And-I actually remember this-I felt like I had to fart, so I just went for it. BUT THIS WAS NO MERE FART. It was…yeah. So, at the time, I figured it was just a turd, and therefore not a big deal, so I kind of shook it out of my bathing suit and kept swimming. (Yes, I was THAT kid.)**

 **Anyway, OF CORSE someone saw it, and everyone freaked out, and it was this huge commotion. We all had to get out of the pool so they could disinfect it, and everyone was standing around their towels trying to figure out who did it. I honestly remember thinking, "Hooooooly fuck." (Okay, I was six, so it was probably more like "heck" and "dang." But seriously: FUUUUUUCK.) I was just like, "Dear God, do not let these people find out it was me."**

 **Everything ended up taking so long that my dad decided to just bring us home. And I was actually relieved. Like, I was just so ready to get the fuck out of there, and so glad no one had ID'd the turd. I couldn't believe I'd gotten away with it.**

 **But in the car on the way home, my dad starts singing: turd, turd, the turd is the word. And then we get to a red light, and he turns around and gives me this huge fucking wink.**

 **HE KNEW**

 ***Drops mic***

 **(Please still be my friend, Blue. I'm so much less gross these days.)**

 **-Jacques**

After reading that I actually start laughing. I mean I'm just sitting in the middle of study hall looking at my phone trying to suppress my laughter, and well failing at it. Before too many people notice I leave the room only to fall into a fit of laughter in the hallway. I know that I shouldn't be embarrassed or anything, someone explodes from laughter every five minutes here. Yet, I still decide to not go back to study hall and instead to just sit in my car and email Jacques back.

 **THAT WAS YOU?!**

 **No, don't worry I didn't even live in Atlanta when we were six.** **?** **That is tragically funny, Jacques. Though, now I'm worried you're going to be disappointed when I tell you mine.**

 **So, I used to be really into Barney (the alleged "dinosaur sensation"). I had this really gross stuffed animal I carried around and slept with at night, and I used to chew on its hands when I was nervous. And, according to my mom, I spent the entire ride to kindergarten every day crying and begging her to let me bring Barney to school.**

 **Well, one morning, I think she gave up, and she told me to just bring him. I remember hugging Barney in the car, feeling victorious. When I got to school I carried him all the way down the hall to the classroom, and then it suddenly hit me that this was the world's worst idea. Like, I was standing there in the doorway with everyone looking at me, and that was the moment I knew: Barney is the worst.**

 **So, I did the only thing I could think of in that moment. I started gnawing on Barney's hand.**

 **One thing I really love about moving here is that no one calls me dinosucker anymore.**

 **-Blue**

 **P.S. I did finally stop sleeping with Barney when I was about thirteen.**

 **P.P.S No, I'm kidding. I was eleven.**

 **P.P.P.S. And a half.**

 **P.P.P.P.S. You still think I'm cool, right?**

By the time I make it to soccer practice, I am completely whipped. All I want to do is collapse on my bed and binge watch Netflix for a few hours. Sadly, I have a few hours of drills to get through before I can get there. By the end of practice, I am covered in sweat, and I feel more whipped out then I have been in weeks. It takes all of my energy to drag myself to the car and get home. By the time I get home I see my mom sitting and crying on the couch. I immediately start to panic, she only cries when it's serious.

It took six hours, six hours of eating ice-cream, crying, and complaining about how unfair the world was for her to tell me what had happened. She finally stammered out that we had four months to get a 7,000-dollar payment to the bank or we will get evicted. For my mom, that is basically an impossible task. She works nine hours a day six days a week, and yet still it is barely enough to support us. We never had much money when I was growing up, and after my dad left we have had even more money troubles, but nothing like this. Even if my mom gets a second job and I get a job there is no way to get that much money. Unless we give up food and utilities. We have nowhere else to go in Georgia, my grandparents died a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure my dad wouldn't want us moving in with him. I have an aunt in Philadelphia that could let us stay there, at least until we could afford our own place again. But moving to Philadelphia means losing my friends, and shutting all doors to the possibility of me and Jacques. That thought may just be the worst thing that has ever popped into my head. I could lose Jacques.


	5. Chapter 5

I stayed up all night trying to find a solution. Even if my mom gets a second job, and I got a job we still would not be able to keep the house without seriously scrimping on food and utilities. Suddenly I hear my phone go off, making me jump. I see that it is an email from Jacques. I instantly open it, very welcome to have a good distraction.

Blue,

Defiantly still the coolest person I know, don't worry. I bet you were so cute just standing their chewing Barney. Defiantly not a disappointing story. It could have been worse, you could have started choking and had to go to the ER. That would have been truly tragic.

Ok, I'm dying to know how did you discover you were gay.

-Jacques

P.S. I slept with a stuffed dog I named Grunka until I was 12, so you're not alone.

P.P.S. Please remind me to call you dinosucker from now on. It is just too great of a nickname to lose.

For a moment everything's perfect, I have someone out there who cares so much about me. But that feeling lasts for only a moment before I am brought back to reality. I have to find a way to stay, I can't lose Jacques.

Jacques,

That's true, it could have been worse. No way I will ever remind you of that nickname. How I realized I was gay, well that would be another embarrassing story.

I realized I was gay at a wedding. I know sounds super romantic, right? Well no/ It was my dad's wedding. Well, one of the guests there was the bride's cousins. I don't even know how to explain this guy to you. He, to this day, is one of the hottest guys I've ever seen. I'm talking tom Holland levels of hot. The second I see him I instantly reached into my back pocket to text my friend about him, then I realize two things. First of all, I'm drooling over a guy, and second of all my friend would be completely and utterly confused. He then starts walking over to me and asks if I'm lost. Of course, he assumes I'm lost, I'm a ten-year-old standing in the middle of the room staring at this random guy. And being the awkward person I am, I take my hand and run it down the side of his face. Then realizing what I was doing I ran to the nearest close where I stayed for the entire reception. For the next few weeks, I kept thinking about him. Finally, I came to the conclusion I was gay. What about you, what's your story?

-Blue

I feel completely pancaked. I can't sleep, I feel like I have a ball of stress resonating in the pit of my stomach. My heart is racing and I can barely breathe. I thought emailing Jacques would make me feel better, but it just reminded me of what I could lose. Sometimes I feel like he is all I have. This random guy I don't even know the name of is my entire world.

School on Monday is miserable. I am completely and utterly exhausted. Plus, I have his huge problem hanging over my head that is completely stressing me out. To top the day off Garret ends up integrating me on why I seem so upset and tired, and I make the idiotic mistake of telling him. "NO NO NO NO, you cannot leave! I refuse. If you leave I'm coming with you." Then again knowing he cares so much is kind of great. "Don't worry, I'll do everything I can to stay. I will make a plan." For a moment, he just stares at me, "ok." He says unsurely. Then I am left alone again. I know he means the best, but he has somehow managed to make me worry even more. But he is right, and I do need to make a plan, tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

Ok, I'm calling it. Why do crappy high school cupules always say I love you to each other? I mean what is that? Do they truly love everyone or are they just so emotionally stunted they think saying "I love you" is just another common thing to say? After my mom and dad divorced I asked her why she didn't love him anymore. Her response was ""I love you" isn't what you think it looks like. It's not romantic dates and holding hands. "I love you" is taking care of someone when they're blackout drunk and throwing up. "I love you" is popping black pimples and still kissing through runny noses winter brings. "I love you" is drooling during sex and laughing together. "I love you" is being held while violently sobbing because of an anxiety attack. "I love you" is discussing what your morning breath smells like with each other. "I love you" is "I don't want to but I will for you and only you." It's all the good and the bad and the gross and the beautiful and ugly things about life and embracing that in each other. Your dad and I haven't had that in a long time. And someday if you find someone that makes you think all of that is true hold on to them." Ever since then I haven't said I love you to anyone. I haven't met anyone that I could love that much. At least not until Jacques. He is someone I can imagine loving through all of the bad and the messy.

That's a pretty sexy story, Blue. I mean, middle school is like this endless horror show. Well, maybe not because it ended, but it really burns into your psyche. I don't care who you ate. Puberty is merciless.

I'm curious to have you seen him since your dad's wedding?

I don't even know when I figured it out. It was a bunch of little things. Like this weird dream, I had once about Daniel Radcliff. Or how I was obsessed with Passion Pit in middle school, and then I realized it wasn't really about the music.

And then in eighth grade, I had this girlfriend. It was one of those things where your "dating" but you don't ever go anywhere outside of school. And you don't really do anything in school either. I think we held hands. So, we went to the eighth-grade dance as a couple, but my friends and I spent the whole night eating Fritos and spying on people from under the bleachers. And at one point, this random girl comes up to me and tells me that my girlfriend is waiting at the front of the gym. I was supposed to go out there and find her, and I guess we were supposed to make out. In that closed-mouth middle school way.

So, here's my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a freaking preschooler in the bathroom. Like, in the stall with the door closed, crouched up on top of the toilet so my legs wouldn't show. As if the girls were going to break in and bust me. Honest to God, I stayed there for the entire evening. And then I never spoke to my girlfriend again.

Also, it was Valentine's Day. Because I'm just that classy. So, yeah, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I definitely knew at that point. Except I've had two other girlfriends since then.

Did you know that this is officially the longest email I've ever written? I'm not even kidding. You may actually be the only person who gets more than 140 characters from me. That's kind of awesome, right?

Anyway, I think I'll sign off here. Not going to lie. It's kind of been a weird day.

~Jaquez

Wow. I'm the only one. That means he must like me too. I mean you don't write long emails to people that annoy you, right? Yeah. Of cores. He likes me! YAY!

I'm the only one? That's defiantly kind of awesome. I'm really horned, Jaquez. Its funny, because I don't really email either. And I never talk about this stuff with anyone. Only you.

For what it's worth, I think it would have been incredibly depressing if your actual proudest moment happened in middle school. You can't imagine how much I hated middle school. Remember the way people would look at you blankly and say, "Um okaaay." After you finished talking? Everyone just had to make it clear that, whatever you were thinking or feeling, you were totally alone. The worst part, of course, was that I did the same thing to other people. It makes me a little nauseated just remembering that.

S, basically, what I'm trying to say is that you should really give yourself a break. We were all awful then.

To answer your question, I've seen him a couple of times since the wedding probably twice a year or so. My stepmother seems to have a lot of family reunions and things. He's married and I think his wife is pregnant now. It's not awkward, exactly, because the whole thing was in my head. It's really amazing, isn't it? Someone can trigger your sexual identity crisis and not have a clue they're doing it. Honestly, he probably still thinks of me as his cousin's weird twelve-year-old stepson.

So, I guess this is the obvious question, but I'll ask it anyway: If you knew you were gay, how did you end up having a girlfriend?

Sorry about your weird day.

~Blue

Blue,

Yup, the dreaded "okaaay." Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and a mouth twisted into a condescending little butthole. And yes, I said it, too. We all sucked so much in middle school. I guess the girlfriend thing is a little hard to explain.

Everything just sort of happened. The eighth-grade relationship was a total mess, obviously, so that was different. As for the other two: basically, they were friends, and then I found out they liked me, and then we started dating. And then we broke up, and both of them dumped me, and it was al pretty painless. I'm still friends with the girl I dated freshman year.

Honestly though? I think the real reason I had girlfriends was that I didn't one hundred presents believe I was gay. Or maybe I didn't think it was permanent.

I know your probably thinking: "Okaaaaaaay."

~Jaquez


	7. Chapter 7

I love Halloween! I love the costumes, the excitement, the horror, and best of all the candy. I love the idea that for one night you can pretend to be anyone you want. You could be a superhero or a king. I think that is one of the best things in the world. Although Halloween loses its appeal as you get older. When you're little you get to go out with all your friends and get free candy. Now, most kids just get drunk at parties and use it as an excuse to wear slutty outfits. I, of course, am staying home, watching Halloween and eating a huge pile of recesses.

Blue,

I guess I never tried to pull off something truly scary. My family is really all about the funny costumes. We used to get competitive abut whose costume would make my dad laugh the hardest. My sister was a trash can one year. Not Oscar the Grouch. Just a trash can full of trash. And I was pretty much a one trick pony. The boy in a dress concept never got old (until it did, I guess I was in fourth grade and had this amazing flapper costume but then I looked in the mirror and felt this electric shock of mortification).

Now, I'll say I aim for the sweet spot of simplicity and badassery. I can't believe you're not dressing up. Don't you realize you're throwing away the perfect opportunity to be someone else for an evening?

Dissonantly yours,

-Jacques

He's right. I am throwing away the perfect time to be anyone I want to be. But that's just it, a one-time deal. Then you have to spend the other 364 days as yourself. That's the thing with Halloween it is a big trick. A chance to change who you are, but the catch is its only for one night.

Jacques,

Sorry to disappoint. I'm not opposed to dressing up, and you make a compelling case for it. I completely see the appeal of being someone else for the evening (or in general). Actually, I was a bit of a one trick pony myself when I was little. I was always a superhero. I guess I liked to imagine having this complicated secret identity. Maybe I still do. Maybe that's the whole point of these emails.

Anyway, I'm not dressing up this year because I'm not going out. My mom has some kind of work party, so I'm stuck at home on chocolate duty. I'm sure you understand that there's nothing sadder than a sixteen-year-old oy home alone on Halloween answering the door in full costume.

Your family sounds interesting. How did you talk your parents into buying your dresses? I bet you were an awesome flapper. Did your parents try to ruin all your costumes by making them weather appropriate? I remember throwing this ridiculous tantrum one year because THE GREEN LANTERN FOES NOT WEAR A TURTLENECK. Though, in retrospect, he actually kind of does. Sorry, mom!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your day off from being Jacques. And I hope everyone likes your ninja costume (that has to be it, right? The perfect mix of simple and badass?).

-Blue

I wish I could spend Halloween with him. Even though I hate the whole teen gone wild thing, being with him would make it all worth it. The thought of him keeps me grounded, it makes every panic attack, every bad grade, every exam worth it. I have only been talking to "Jacques" for a few months now, but I can't imagine my life without him. All I want to do is sit on the couch with him, entrapped in his arms. Feel his warmth next to me. I can imagine it perfectly, a blank-faced figure cuddling me watching a horror movie. Or even someone holding my hand at a party. I don't care where we are, just as long as I'm with him. I want it so badly, more than I've ever wanted anything.


	8. Chapter 8

Him. All I can think about is him. My entire brain seems to have been taken over by him. Everything seems to remind me of him. My life has been entirely consumed with him. All I want to do is talk to him. He is the only person really worth losing sleep over. Without even knowing him and even when I'm not talking to him, just the thought of Jacques makes my heart rate spike up and makes me smile. He is the first person to show me you don't have to be with someone for them to make you smile. With him, I feel like I never have to pretend like I can be my entire self with him, even though I have never even really spoken to him. Every time his name pops up onto my screen my heart skips a beat, I get butterfly's in my stomach, but at the same time crazy happy.

 **A ninja? Suck a good guess, but no dice.**

 **-Jacques**

 **Aaaah-autocorrect fail. DICK a good guess.**

 **GAHHHHHH!**

 **SUCH a good guess. SUCH. Jesus Christ this is why I never write from my phone.**

 **Anyway, I'm going to go die from embarrassment now.**

 **-J**

Omg, he is amazing. His little mistakes make me like him even more. I love seeing the fact that he is like me, a total and complete mess. It makes me feel like he could actually like me rather than only see that I am so totally and completely miserable when it comes to life. Everything he writes is like a poem or a song. It seems to put itself into the perfect order. It always sounds amazing.

 **Jacques,**

 **I hope your Halloween was excellent, and that your simple and badassery hit the mark. Things were really quiet around here. We only had about six trick or treaters. Of course, that means I am contractually obligated to eat the leftover Reese's cups.**

 **I can't believe it's already almost homecoming. I'm excited about it. Make no mistake, football is still my least favorite sport, but I actually really like going to the homecoming game. I guess it's something about the lights and the drumbeats and the sent of the air. Fall air always smells like possibility. Or maybe I just like ogling the cheerleaders. You know me.**

 **Are you doing anything interesting this weekend? We're supposed to have SUCK nice weather. Excuse me dick nice weather.**

 **-Blue**

Every day I think to myself he can't get any better, there is no way he could be more perfect. There is no way it is physically possible to be any more perfect then he already is, yet he manages to prove me wrong every day. He has become my life's blood. The reason for my existence. I have no idea how I managed before Jacques.

"Bram, come here, I think I figured something out" I can hear my mom yelling to me from downstairs.

"Coming" I yell back as I scramble out of bed and down to where my mother awaits, arms crossed with a stern expression on her face, yet her eyes are ablaze with hope.

"I figured out a way to stay here," she says.

"Are you serious? How? What do I need to do?" My heart beat just started to race at least three times faster than before. I am surprised my mom can't hear it. I could be able to stay here, in shady creek, I could stay here long enough to be able to meet Jacques. I wouldn't need to hide my identity from him, because I would be able to stay. I could actually get to know him!

"You know Lily from my work, well her family turns out to be quite rich. Her grandfather invented the springs that go inside of pens. Well, it turns out he has a son about your age and he is failing English. She is willing to pay a hundred dollars a day for when you tutor him. And if you do that you could be earning around five hundred dollars a week. If you did that for a couple of months we would have just about enough money to stay, what do you think?"

So, my choices are either teaching some grammatically incorrect whinny bratty trust fund kid, or leaving my home, friends, and Jacques. The choice is obvious. I have to do it. It's the only way to keep Jacques, my only way to be able to have a future with him.

"I'll teach the kid"

"I'll go call lily now!"

I may be able to stay! The thought is slowly sinking in, I may be able to actually stay here, meet Jacques, fall in love with each other and have a real-life love story.


	9. Chapter 9

I may be able to stay. No matter how many times I repeat it over and over in my head, the simple fact of me being able to stay at Crekwood and staying with Jacques could actually happen. I could be able to meet him. One of my biggest fears about meeting him would be us falling for each other and then me just having to leave. I cannot meet him until it's for sure, I just can't.

 **Reses are better than sex**

 **Very funny Blue, VERY FUNNY.**

 **Anyway, I'm sorry you got stuck at home last night for only six trick or treaters. What a waste. Next year, couldn't you just stick the bowl on the porch with a note telling the kids to take two? Granted, the kids in my neighborhood would have taken the candy by the fistful while cackling with villainous laugher, and they probably would have peed on the note for good measure. But maybe the kids in your neighborhood are more civilized.**

 **But seriously, leftover Reese's? Is it possible to send chocolate over email these days? PLEASE SAY IT IS.**

 **My Halloween wasn't bad. I won't say too much about it, but I ended up going to this guy's party. I dont think it was much my scene, but it was defiantly interesting. I guess it was nice to step out of my comfort zone (wait I didn't just ruin the chance of convincing you I'm a hardcore party ninja, right?)**

 **So, I keep thinking about the idea of secret identies. Do you ever feel locked into yourself? I'm not sure if I'm making sense here. I guess what I mean is that sometimes it seems like everyone knows who I am except me.**

 **Okay, I'm glad you mentioned homecoming, because I totally forgot that Spirit Week is this week. Monday is Decades Day, right? I guess I should check online so I can avoid making an ass of myself. Honestly, I can't believe they scheduled Spirit Week right after Halloween. Creekwood really blows its load on costume days all at once. How do you think you'll dress up for Monday? I know you're not going to answer that.**

 **And I totally figured you'd be ogling the cheerleaders on Friday, because you're all about the ladies. Me too, Blue. Me too.**

 **-Jacques**

What? Wait what does he mean reses are better than sex! Does that mean he has had sex before? With a girl or a guy. I mean he is not out yet so it would have to mean a girl. What is he some huge playboy who sleeps with whomever regardless of his sexuality? WHAT IS THAT! Does he expect me to meet him and then sleep with him right away, because no. That's not the type of person I am. I want my first time to be special and with someone I truly love. Not that I don't think I could really love him, just well I don't know yet. Maybe he meant noting by it, yeah. I'm sure he was just saying that chocolate is amazing, I mean it is chocolate. But I also truly hope it's not better then sex.

 **Reese's are better than sex? Admittedly, I wouldn't know, but I have to hope you're wring about that one. Maybe you should stop having heterosexual sex, Jacques. I'm just saying.**

 **The kids in your neighborhood sound really charming. Urine isn't a huge issue here, so maybe next year, ill take your advice. It will probably be moot, anyway, because my mom almost never goes out. She just can't keep up with your party ninja ways, Jacques.**

 **I completely understand what you mean about feeling locked in yourself. For me, I don't even think it has anything to do with other people thinking they know me. Its more that I want to leap in and say certain things and do certain things, but I always seem to hold myself back. I think a big part of me is afraid. Even thinking about it makes me nauseated. Did I mention I get nauseated easily?**

 **Of corse, that's the exact reason I don't want to say anything about Spirit Week and costumes. I don't want you to put two and two together and figure out who I am. Whatever it is were doing here, I don't it works if we know each other's real identies. I have to admit that it makes me really nervous to think of you as someone actually connected with my life, rather than a mostly anonymous person on the internet. Obviously, some of the things I've told you about myself are the things I've never talked about with anyone. I don't know, Jacques there's something about you that makes me want to open up, and that's slightly terrifying for me.**

 **I hope this isn't too awkward. I know you were kidding when you asked what costume I was going to wear, but I wanted to put this out there just in case it wasn't entirely a joke? I have to admit I'm curious about you sometimes, too.**

 **-Blue**

 **P.S. I'm attaching a Reese's cup to this email. I hope this is what you had in mind.**


	10. Chapter 10

Okay don't get me wrong. I mean it's not like I don't believe in true love or any of that Disney fairytale crap. I just don't think that the person you "date" in high school or your first love are the people you are going to end up with. Look at the statics only 2% of high school couples end up getting married and making it work. The chance of me and Jacques meeting, falling in love, getting married and having a happily ever after are below 2%. This isn't some mushy romance movie, its real life. And real life is messy and never works out the way you think it will. So, the fact that I'm standing on some spoiled idiotic jerks doorstep about to tutor him for an hour to give me and Jacques a chance is absolutely crazy.

"Hi, Mrs. Addison, I'm Bram and I am here to tutor your son Martin"

"Hi, yes, welcome. Come on in. He is in the kitchen waiting for you." She says while ushering me into her home.

Wow. This house is amazing! I can't believe I thought Garrets house was nice, it's a dump compared to this. I'm half expecting a butler to come around the corner and ask to take my coat. The foyer is this grand archway. The celling has paintings painted onto it like the Sistine Chapel.

"Isn't it great!" She says gesturing to the ceiling.

"It was done by Ai Weiwei. It took over 370 hours to complete." She says like I would know who that is.

"It's very beautiful." I say.

"Okay come along now, this way to the kitchen."  
This house is huge! If I were here alone I would defiantly get lost. It could fit my house at least five times in it. I have no idea how it can stay this clean. Everything looks perfectly dusted and polished. They have to have a cleaning crew come through every few days to clean it. How can someone have this much money?

"Here we are, Martin, this is Bram he will be helping you with English."

"Yeah, I know mom, he goes to my school I know Bram, he is just normally so quiet I never thought he could be a tutor."

Wow that's a slap in the face. I thought Martin was supposed to be some nice funny kid. Maybe that was meant to be a joke. Yeah, it probably was.

"Yeah, hi." I don't really know what to say to him. I don't really tutor. I have no idea how to do this. Does his mom stay, or do I just sit and start teaching?

"Okay I'm going to leave you two to study now. Call me if you need anything, and Hannah will bring out some cookies and hot apple cider in a bit."

Maybe they do have a maid.

"Okay Martin, so what are you struggling with in English"

"Nothing, my mom just doesn't get that I hate English and don't really care about it or try. If I wanted too I could do good. I just find it very stupid to learn more about stupid figures of speech and writing things I'll never use."

"Don't you want to do well though? Get good grades to be able to get into a good college and make money and have a good life?"

"I don't know if you've looked around but my parents are kind of loaded. I am set for life. I don't need a job. Or to take stupid classes in college that will never help me. Why would I want to leave? I have a maid who brings me food whenever I want it. I have people who come and clean my room and everything. At this point doing any more with school wouldn't help me at all."

Wow. That's what it is like to live in privilege where you never have to do anything for yourself. I need him to see that education is important otherwise I'm not going to be able to keep this job and we won't be able to stay. But I have no idea on how to show him how important furthering your education is and how necessary it is to get an education. And not to mention the fact that he is lucky to even be able to get an education. People in other countries are trying to get an education and there are people killing them because of it.

"You need an education. It is the only way you will ever be taken seriously by the world. You will never have a purpose in life without a job or anything. Your life will be an empty mess and you will be completely pathetic. Now your mom hired me to tutor you in English so take out your books so we can get started."

"Fine." He says reluctantly taking out his books.

I can't believe just said that to him. And more then that I can't believe it actuality worked. I may be able to keep this going. I may be able to keep this job for the long term, make money, and stay!


	11. Chapter 11

I really hate Thanksgiving. Well, the food is pretty amazing, I absolutely love turkey. But the concept is horrible. So, we're saying a couple hundred years ago a bunch of native Americans got slaughtered and so now we should celebrate that and eat a bunch of food. Who thought that was a good concept for a holiday? It's not even just that. I hate the fact that I have to have two Thanksgivings with each set of parents and hear them each complain about my life choices and nitpick all of the little things I do wrong. It is an entire day of family, which I have no idea how anyone survives, and I had to do two of them!

 **Blue,**

 **I think I made you uncomfortable, and I'm really, really sorry. I'm kind of a nosy person. It's always been a problem. I'm so sorry, Blue. I know I sound like a broken record. I don't know if I've mentioned this outright, but our emails are really important to me. I would never forgive myself if I fucked this up. Edded this up. Sorry, I don't even know if you cuss.**

 **So, I might have given you the wrong idea with this subject line. I have to admit that I don't TECHNICALLY know whether Reese's are better than sex. Reese's are freaking incredible, don't get me wrong. And I'm guessing they're better than hetero sex, a.k.a. "intercourse" (per my mom).**

 **Non-hetero sex, though? I imagine it may be a little better than Reese's. Is it weird that I can't talk about this without blushing?**

 **Anyway, speaking of Reese's, thank you so much for the photo. That was exactly what I had in mind. Instead of actually eating on, I just wanted to IMAGINE how salty and chocolaty and awesome it would be to eat one. It's great because I really wanted to torture myself, but I didn't feel like making the adore to Google Reese's cups myself.**

 **I would raid our own supply of leftover chocolate, but it didn't even come close to surviving the weekend.**

 **-Jacques**

 **Partying harder than Blue's mom since 2014.**

Okay, okay so he has not had sex. For the first time in a few days, I can fully exhale again. I didn't even realize how much that has been bothering me. It feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. He has had past girlfriends, but he never actually did anything with them. I guess I'm not too far from where he is at. I love his sarcasm. I really love that he has a sarcastic side, like me. Just that one email has made me completely emotionally prepared for Thanksgiving dinner with my mom's family. I can survive a night of probing undifferentiating questions about my life from my relatives.

 **Jacques,**

 **Don't worry, you haven't messed anything up. These emails have become like a lifeline to me. There is pretty much nothing that can change my mind about you. You don't have to say effed. I curse. Not that often, but whenever it is the right situation I guess.**

 **So, I guess I'm not the only one whose parent tries to lecture them on sex. Every time I see my dad he always asks about my sex life (as if I had one). I've got to agree with you Reese's are pretty amazing and are defiantly than heterosexual sex (not like I would know either). I'm betting hetero sex is better than Reese's although. I have to admit, it is a relief to hear that though. For a solid day, I was stressing you were this huge player who had slept with all these women.**

 **I guess I better start working to invent a way to send chocolate over email. Plus, that way I can also send Oreos. I just consumed an entire package of those Halloween Oreos. Dang those things are amazing.**

 **~Blue**

Just three hours. That's how ling dinner will last. I can survive that. Maybe.

My entire family is drunk, I'm the only one who is not at least 21, which means I am the only one that is not completely intoxicated. Having a bunch of drunk relatives ask you the same questions over and over is not my definition of fun. The only thing getting me through it is the thought of dinner. Although I hate the concept of Thanksgiving, and my family drives me up a wall, the food is pretty spectacular. Turkey is definitely in my top ten favorite foods. By the time dinner is over I have had to lie about my lack of having a girlfriend at least seven times. Family is exhausting! All I want to do is crash in my bed and sleep for like three days. Which is exactly my plan when I get home.


	12. Chapter 12

**I can't imagine why you'd think that.**

 **All right I have a sneaking suspicion that you're not 100% Committed to your Oreo diet. The guidelines are really pretty basic. No excuses, Breakfast is obviously an Oreo granola bar or Oreo Pop Tart. No, they're not gross. Shut up. They're amazing. Lunch should be Oreo pizza with an Oreo milkshake and a couple of those Oreo truffles my mom makes (a.k.a. the most delicious freaking things in the universe). Dinner is deep fried Oreos served on top of ice cream, and for a drink, it's Oreos dissolved in milk. No water. Only Oreo milk. Deseret can be Oreos straight up. Sound reasonable? It's for your health, Blue.**

 **I swear to God, typing this is actually making me hungry, this totally used to happen to me when I was younger. Isn't it funny the way you fantasize about junk food when you were a kid. It's really all-consuming. I guess you have to obsess about something before you know about sex.**

 **-Dr. Jacques**

He is perfect. Absolutely perfect.

 **Jacques,**

 **I really appreciate you looking out for my health. It will be hard but I know my body will thank me. Seriously, I can't argue with the fact that Oreos are extremely delicious, and the menu you described actually sounds amazing. Although, for me, I'll have to leave out the deep fried Oreo dinner. I made the mistake of eating once at a carnival right before going on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I'll spare you the details, but let it be said that people who get nauseated easily have no business riding the Tilt-A-Whirl. I haven't been able to look at a deep fried Oreos the same way since. Sorry to even have to tell you that. I know Oreos are really important to you.**

 **I have to admit I like to imagine you as a kid fantasizing about junk food. I also like to imagine you now fantasizing about sex. I can't believe I just wrote that. I can't believe in hitting send.**

 **-Blue**

Him. I would fight for him. I have never really, truly cared about someone before. Not like this. All I know is I need to fight. No matter what it takes or how hard it is. He is worth fighting for.

He is in my dreams. No matter how hard, I can't get him out of my head. I have these dreams of running. I never seem to be able to stop. I am always running towards him, my hands outreached grasping forward trying to reach him. But I can't. I am stuck in an endless loop, never able to truly get him. He has become everything for me. He has completely taken over my subconscious. Over my entire life all of my decisions. Everything I do, I think of him. I want to do better, be better. For him. He has completely consumed my life. Thoughts of him, dreams, ideas. It's all him.

"Hey, are you even paying attention to me?"

Marcus asks snapping me out of my daze.

"Sorry, uh where were we?"

"If you can't even pay attention to me, then you should just leave. I'm not stupid, I can do my own work. I'm not like any of the actual idiots at our school. I don't need tutoring. Your just wasting your time."

"Well your mom hired me, so let's just go back to studying. Okay?"

"Fine."

I am actually starting to hate him. Even though it is good money, I really want to quit. He is imposable to tutor. He doesn't even try. It's exhausting! I hate working with him. I hate every part of it. But Jacques is worth it. If I can stay, and this works. Jacques would be worth all of it. I can get through this. I can deal with Marcus, and my mom being stressed and emotional all the time. I can deal with it all. As long as I still have Jacques.

 **Oh my God, Blue, I'm so tired my face hurts. For you ever have those random nights where your brain won't shut off, even though your body feels like five hundred pounds of exhausted? I'm just going to email you and I hope that's okay and I know this is probably going to be totally incoherent so you can't judge me, okay? Even if I fuck up my grammar. You're like the best writer, Blue, and normally I try to check everything like three times because I don't want to disappoint you. So sorry in advance for the wreckage with your you're there their they're and everything else.**

 **Today has been pretty freaking great actually. I'm trying not to think about what a zombie I'll be tomorrow. Of course, I have five quizzes in the next two days including one in une autre langue that I at complement.**

 **LE FUCK**

 **So, didn't there used to be a reality show where people had to date each other in pitch darkness? We should totally do that. We should find a room somewhere that's totally dark and then we could hang out and it would be totally anonymous. That wouldn't ruin anything. What do you think?**

 **-Jacques**

I can't get him out of my head. He is in everything. Everything reminds me of him, no matter what I do I can't get him out of my mind. My brain is completely consumed with thoughts, ideas, stories. All about him. Even though I have no idea what he looks like, he is already everything to me. I'm already completely indescribably in love with him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Zombie Jacques,**

 **I don't know that today. On one hand, I'm sorry you're pretty much guaranteed a shitty day today, and I really hope you were able to squeeze in at least an hour or two of sleep. On the other hand, your pretty cute when you're exhausted. And, by the way, you were very coherent and grammatical for four in the morning.**

 **Hang in there today with the quizzes, though, and just power through. Bonne chance, Jacques. I'm rooting for you.**

 **I have absolutely never heard of that show. I guess I don't know all that much about reality TV. It's an interesting concept, but how would we keep from recognizing each other's voices?**

 **-Blue**

God, I want to meet him so badly. I know I can't. I know it's too early, and I'm not really ready to come out to everyone just yet. But I want him, I want to know who he is, I want to see his face. I want to meet him so much. He is all I want. I don't care what he looks like. I just want him. But I'm so scared that I'm not going to be what he wants, that he will expect something more than me. That I won't be good enough.

Maybe it's also I'm just not ready for other people to know about me. I'm not ready for everyone in my life to see me differently. I know there are so many people out there like this, and it's not like I'm ashamed or anything. But its Georgia, it's hard to be anything different from the normal here.

Christmas is supposed to be one of the best holidays. Right? I mean spending time with your loved ones. Having hot chocolate when it is freezing cold outside, sledding, Christmas cookies, not having to go to school, the presets. Well, I'm half Jewish, so I don't really get to enjoy all of that. Instead, I go to a crappy cabin in the middle of nowhere and pretend to be the son he wanted. Act like I am not like I actually am, be his straight son. It's always cramped, awkward, and normally ends in an argument. My moms isn't much better. With her, I get to do Christmas at least. But it normally only lasts maybe an hour, if I'm lucky. And she is always sad, probably because my dad left around this time, and she feels more alone than ever. So really, I am not looking forward to the holidays. The only thing that makes me think I can stand the weekend with my dad is my emails with Jacques. Being able to talk to him, will make it okay, make it survivable.

 **So, I'm a little scared to read what I wrote you last night. I'm glad I was cute and grammatical. I think you're cute and grammatical, too. Anyway, I don't know what the hell that was all about. Too much sugar yesterday, I guess. Sorry, sorry, sorry.**

 **Yeah. I'm still so totally brain dead. I don't even want to think about how I did on my quizzes.**

 **Don't know much about reality TV? You mean your parents don't make you watch it? Because mine do. And I bet your thinking I'm kidding.**

 **You bring up a good point about our voices. I guess we would have to use some kind of robotic megaphone to warp them so they sound like Darth Vader. Or we could just fo other things instead of talking. I mean. I'm just saying.**

 **Your Zombie Jacques**

I love Jacque's email. I love that it's song lyrics. I love the song. I love that the song is him, of how much it really reminds me of him. I don't even know why I mean not the lyrics or the mood have anything to do with him, but the song just seems like him.

 **I should be writing an essay for English class. I'd rather write to you. I'm in my room, and I have a window right next to my desk. It's so sunny out, and it looks like it should be really warm outside. I feel like I'm dreaming.**

 **So, Jacques, I have to confess that I've been curious about your email address for a long time. I finally broke down and consulted the Mighty Googler, and now I see that it's a lyric from an Elliott Smith song. I've actually heard of him, but I had never heard his music, so I downloaded "Waltz #2." I hope that doesn't freak you out. I really like it. It surprised me because it's a really sad song, and that's not what I would expect coming from you. But I've listened to it a few times now, and the funny thing is, it really does remind me of you somehow. It's you not the lyrics or even the overall mood of the song. It's something interchangeable. I think I can imagine you lying on a carpet somewhere listing to it, eating Oreos, and maybe writing in a journal.**

 **I also confess that I've been looking extra carefully at people's T-shirts at school to see if someone might be wearing an Elliott Smith shirt. I know it's a long shot. I also know it's really unfair because I shouldn't be trying to figure out your identity when I don't give you any good clues about my own.**

 **Here's something. My dad is driving in from Savanah this weekend and was doing the traditional Hotel Hanukkah. It will be just him and me, and I'm sure well hit all the awkward highlights. We'll do the non-lighting of the menorah (because we don't want to set off the smoke decors). And then I'll give him something underwhelming like Aurora coffee and a bunch of my English essays (he's an English teacher, so he likes getting those). And then he'll have me open eight presents in a row, which just drives home the fact that I won't see him again until New Year's.**

 **And the thing is, I'm actually considering doubling down on the awkward factorand turning this mess into a coming out thing. Maybe I should capitalize that. Coming Out Thing. Am I crazy?**

 **-Blue**

Maybe I just should get the whole awkward affair over with. Just go ahead and tell my dad about it. It's going to be weird and uncomfortable anyway. So, I just should.


	14. Chapter 14

Yesterday was Simons birthday, like usual people from our group brought in a cake, and we had to wear hats to be able to get a piece. Really anyone would go to any level of embarrassing things to be able to get a free piece of cake. It was hard not to stare into his eliminating eyes the whole time. I hate how shy I get around him, it would be so much easier if I could just talk to him like everyone else. But instead, I'm a stammering, shy, read cheeked idiot. But at least his birthday is a pretty good reason to be able to stare at him for a little without anyone noticing.

Other than that my day was extremely normal. It's a sad thing that being harassed by Martin regularly is now normal. But I mean there are worse things that could happen. Worse things have happened. Ive worked through, well am still getting through worse. Two years ago, my freshman year of high school, we had a school shooting. It was the reason why I switched to Creekwood the next year. My mom didn't want me to stay, and I guess I didn't really want to face it again either. I couldn't go through those halls again, not without seeing it all again.

It was two years ago. It has now been two years and it still affects me. I still wake up in panic attacks some nights, covered in sweet, terrified out of my mind. It took a year to be able to get my triggers under control, and even now they still happen. I still panic a little and flinch when there are loud noises. I get emotional when I hear police sirens. I will get quiet whenever I see a school bus. I get flashbacks when I see a flashing light, or hear any walkie-talkies. I am still scared when Im in loud public places. Everything from it still effects me. It's weird, after about a month or two everyone else kind of forgot. They just expected me, and everyone else to be okay. It had been long enough, that we shouldn't be affected anymore. But honestly, this is something that will follow most of us through the rest of our lives.

No one here knows. No one but Garret and my family. But neither of my parents talk about it, they just ignore it and act as if it never happened. I a lot of the time think they actually forgot that it did happen. But I guess I've also gotten really good at hiding it, at never showing that it affects me. At pretending like I'm fine. I think Garret knows it still is apart of me, and I still have triggers. Bad ones, that cause panic attacks a lot. But we don't talk about it either. I know I can go to him with it. But also it's hard, it's hard to talk about. Especially with people who weren't there, who don't understand it. Other people can sympathize with me, and feel bad. But they don't really know. They don't know how bad it really was. So I just don't talk about it with anyone. I don't have friends left from my old school. So there is really no way I can. Garret is the only one at school who even knows. I haven't even told Jaques about it.

It's just easier for no one to know. Then they don't have to worry or look at me differently. It's easier this way. And I have done a pretty okay job at taking care of myself with it all. I completely rejected therapy. So I'm my therapist. I can figure out pretty easily now what's bothering me, and know how to get over it faster. Plus, distractions are extremely helpful. So Jaques really has become a kind of lifeline for me. He even makes the trauma easier. Because now when scared I can go to my thoughts about him, and that instantly sets me at ease. He is starting to make me okay. Just talking to him is giving me hope of being okay again. And that is something I didn't think I would ever be able to get.


	15. Chapter 15

It has been two years. Two long years of trying to get better. What they said was true. It has gotten easier with time. Every week that passed, it became a little easier. But its still all there. I can remember it all perfectly. Where I was, who I was with, what we were doing, and everything that followed. Some of the others with me had blocked out or forgotten it, or pieces of it at least. But it was all trapped in my brain. Every horrific moment of it, swirling around inside my head.

We were arguing over a game. We were arguing about which card game would create the most suspense. Debating over whether war or poker would work better. And how we would be able to incorporate Wesley's giant set of poker chips into the game. We didn't really have a full concept for the video, all we knew was it had to be suspenseful. So we spent our last few moments of calm, of normal trying to figure out which card game would be best to film. We were so happy. It was fun, we were genuinely laughing, talking about our finals, about what we thought was to come. Only things didn't go the way we thought they would. Instead everything shifted. Everything would change, in only a few moments.

I heard it, the first gun shot. It send a chill through my entire body. I was frozen, petrified with fear. We all were. I immediately knew what it was. I didn't even take a moment to consider it was anything else. I knew it was a gunshot. I just was hoping it was a joke, a prank. But the fear, the petrifying idea that it was real kept me standing there. Staring at the door. Until our teacher slammed it shut, locking it. He too had no doubt. But he didn't pause, he immediately jumped to doing something. He turned back at us yelling "hide." I didn't even think about anyone else in that moment. I didn't think about the four other kids who were with me. I just looked around the room, setting my eyes on a desk towards the opposite corner of the room. In that second, it seemed like the safest place for me to go. So I ran down, and launched my body beneath the table. A moment later Alexa joined me. I could see the panic in her eyes, I felt that panic. She looked absolutely terrified, she had already started breathing heavily, beginning to sob. Just then another shot was fired. I could see our teacher laying on the ground at the door, clutching a pair of scissors in his hand. The second the shot went off, he jumped. He then stood back up, and stated running to grab a table. He flipped it over, blocking the door. Even though the door opened outward, just the table there somehow calmed me a bit. I was able to take a breath. But then I heard it. I heard him. Some student was running. I could hear their shoes slapping against the ground. "School shooter" he yelled, racing down the halls. I could hear the panic in his voice. I knew it was real. This was no prank. This was real. My tiny safe stem school had active shooters inside it. They had guns, and threatened the lives of everyone in the school. Of my friends. Of the people, I had gotten so close too I considered them to be my family. They, I, everyone was in danger. And there was nothing I could do about it. I could only feel fear.

Alexa was crying so hard I was sure the gunmen could hear her. It scared me. The sound of her misery terrified. I knew I couldn't cry, or panic. I had to stay calm, at least for the moment to quiet her down. Because if not, they could hear us. And then come in. I just kept whispering the words "were going to be okay, it's going to be okay" over and over again, until it felt like they had completely lost any meaning. Another shot went off, sending me into a deeper panic. "Someone's been shot" There voice was loud and clear. I had no idea who was speaking, All I could hear was those words echoing around my head. Someone had been shot. At that moment everyone I knew flashed through my brain. It knocked the wind out of me. I couldn't remember any of their classrooms, I couldn't remember if they were close or not. I couldn't think past wondering if one of my friends lives had just ended. "Lock, lights, out of sight, middle school lock down." It started. There was finally a lock down. I didn't even realize we didn't have one, I didn't think about it. I always thought if something happened, that announcement would be the first thing I heard of it. Like in all of our drills. But there were shots, and screaming, all before the lockdown had even started.

The next few minutes felt like hours. I tried to listen to it all. I needed to know what was going on. I wanted to know if they were trying to get into our room, if we needed to run or break a window. I needed to hear it all. No matter how bad it was. Another shot went off. And two more right after it. This was more than one. It was intentional. I don't know how, or why, but I knew it had to have hit someone, it was aimed at someone. Not a warning, but intended to cause pain, harm. Every creek of the floor. Every cry and scream, each round of the announcements, I could hear it all. I needed too. I needed to hear when someone came up to our door and tried opening it by jiggling the door knob. I had to listen, to figure out if it was the killers, or someone trying to run. But it was calm, un urgent. There was no way it was someone running for their lives. Someone with a gun, who was helping to shoot people, children, was trying to get into our room. I shifted my body, lower, hoping to make it more invisible. But then she grabbed my hand. Alexa, she could hear them trying to get in too. I did the only thing I could think of at that moment. I sat up, and half laying down on top of her. If anything were going to happen, I wanted her safe. We weren't that close, but I knew if something happened, I couldn't let her get hurt. She needed to be safe, so I would be her shield if it came to it. But then they stopped. The jiggling stopped. I could hear footsteps start to walk away. And I could then hear the sirens start to come. Someone knew this was happening. The police were coming. We could be saved. They could get us out. We just needed to be safe, and hidden long enough for the police to get in. Everyone had to just hold on until they could come in.


	16. Chapter 16

23 minutes. We were locked inside, not knowing what was going on for 23 minutes. But it felt like an eternity. I can barely believe all that happened, only took place in 23 minutes. But it was the most terrifying 23 minutes of my life. Not knowing whether it was the police or the gunmen outside our door. Not knowing if we were getting rescued, or if it was just a futile attempt to save us, when we had no chance. I couldn't hear any words. I could just hear indistinct murmurs through the walls. I could hear the static of walkie talkies, the sound of peoples feet hitting the floor as they ran. Then I could hear them at our door. "This is the police, were coming in. Stand up and put your hands above your head," they yelled in at us. We all stood up, facing the door. I had no idea what we would see on the other side of that door. I expected a few cops with their small hand guns drawn. But when the door swung open I saw how wrong I was. It was dozens of heavily armed members of SWAT with bullet proof vests, and huge guns. I didn't think I would see that. It had to be bad. It had to be real to send something like this to get us.

It wasn't really real. Even with the gunshots, and the screaming, and the running, even SWAT. I kept telling myself it was a prank or something. I kept lying to myself, putting the truth in the back of my mind, trying to ignore it. Tell myself it wasn't real, that it wasn't actually happening. But then it was. I knew it had to be true. We walked out of the room, hands above our heads, where we were immediately told to run. We had to sprint to the door. I kept thinking if I turned around someone would shoot, so I just told myself to look forward and sprint as fast as I could. But then I saw it, and I couldn't help but slow down.

The hallway. The hallway that my best friends would eat lunch in most days. The hallway I practiced speeches for my class in. the hallway with the door leading outside at the end of it. The floor was coated in blood. There were dark, heavy, streaks of blood running down the length of the hallway. It was still wet. I was so worried I would slip in it and fall. And I kept thinking, if I fall I die. "Keep running," someone from SWAT yelled at us. I couldn't bring myself to run, I kept staring at the pile of clothes on the side. They were soaked in blood, to the point where I couldn't even tell what color they originally were. I kept wondering whose it was. Whose blood I was currently standing in, running over. I wondered if it was one of my friends, or some random person, or even one of the shooters. It couldn't be someone I knew and loved. It couldn't. That would break me.

But I ran. I ran over the blood, past the soaked clothes. Past the ambulances, and the police cars. Past the members of SWAT urging us to keep our hands up, stay low, and run. We ran, we ran until they had us jump behind a police car. That's when the told us. They got some of the shooters, but were not sure if there was another one or not, and were still looking. There could still be someone in there. I couldn't do anything. I just had to keep going. I followed them across the street, to a large grass field, where they told us we could put our arms down, and didn't need to duck. Right there was where Alexa collapsed. She fell to the ground, wrapped her arms around her knees, curled in a ball, and started sobbing harder than ever. I kept trying to tell her we were safe. But she was so worried, about everyone still inside. About who's blood it was. She was thinking all the same things I was. But we had made it out. We were alive and safe.

That day one kid died, and eight more were injured. Two boys did this. One in the grade above me, one a senior. It was a complete surprise. No one expected it to happen to our school. No one thought they would ever be capable of anything like that. All of us were shocked. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It completely broke me. It took months to be able to fully function normally again. Its been two years now, and I'm still not okay. But I have people now. I have Garret, and Jaques. I have them, and they make my world. So I will do whatever I have to do to be able to stay here with them. Even if Jaques is just a possibility, it's a possibility I will fight for.


End file.
